Monday, July 22, 2013

It’s been one year now since he broke it off. So why am I not over him??

One of the horrible things about online dating sites and apps is it brings you in touch with someone you might want to avoid. And, unfortunately, this happened on GROWLR when i saw my ex’s profile. He lives in San Jose, I live in SF. Lately he’s been appearing local, which means he’s seeing someone out here. AND he seems to be doing it more frequently than he did with me.

I go back and forth between blocking and unblocking his profile.

We’ve been on and off for years, but seemed to be on a good path for nearly 5 years before he decided he wanted to see other people to “find himself," something he’s not done since he’s chose to live a closeted life. He’s in his early 30s.

But even in previous times when we’ve separated, we always got back together. One time I even called him on it and his reply was, “But i always come back, don’t I?" And the answer then was yes.

Our history of him always returning after a separation kept a little ember of hope within me that he would do so again. But this time it’s different.

Before we split, he went silent for a time, ignoring my calls, texts and not even saying thanks for a X-mas card I sent. At the same time I started having dreams of running into him with other guys. I’m a bit psychic with dreams. I know it sounds like “poppycock" as Big Bang’s Sheldon would say. But given what I’ve dreamed and what has happened just proves it’s not.

I admit I did a bit of cyber stalking and created an adam4adam account and did a search for Latinos in his age group. In all the profiles, I found his. A faceless pic of him in a jock that he had sent me via sext the year before. Although the profile stated he was “looking for friends" the picture busted up that lie immediately. Not to mention his profile mentioned his “role," cock size and cut/uncut status. But he had also listed he was looking for 1-on-1 sex in addition to friendship. I did confront him on it, and he explained that in his “weak sauce way" he was looking for people to network with since his social skills are poor. Is explaining in a weak sauce way the same as downright lying??

I just wonder if living a closeted life makes lying and hiding just a natural way to live. Did he get so used to not telling the truth to his family he loves that not telling the truth to any loved one or friend became par for the course?

When he finally reappeared it was to tell me now is not the right time to commit himself to a relationship completely with abandon and without reservations, how he was incapable of this until he gets himself in order. At the same time, he mentioned he had moved out of his parents place to a house he bought in San Jose. I knew he was buying the house because it was the excuse to not see me on weekends. He had even said “I’m doing this for us." But he also had intentions of using it as a income generator by renting it. And now he had moved into it and never told me. He had been there 5 months or so. If he loved me as he claimed, why would he withhold such a huge life step from me?

We would get together one more time after that. The next morning I got a text at work from him saying “you complete me." Man, I was soaring in the clouds. But then he knocked me right down with a message that same week that “things are different, in my head. In my heart. " Who does that to a person?? No explanation of why so it comes off as left field.

When he ended it, he wanted to remain friends and I stupidly acquiesced. I would soon learn that that is the worst thing you can do after a split. One day he decided to start a text conversation by telling me about how he was hurt by someone he got close to. Really? Really? Why are you telling me this? Did you not dig the dagger deep enough already? Was remaining friends your way to feel less guilty for obliterating my heart?

I had to live it to understand that asking to remain friends is the cruelest thing you can do to a lover when you break it off. Like the Supremes sang “How can we still be friends, when seeing you just breaks my heart again?"

He still doesn’t get how profoundly he hurt me. Unfortunately, before all this I really did think I had found my soul mate.

We had such a connection that was downright chemical. For years we confided in each other and we connected mentally and physically. And then it was gone.

After his last communication where he called me callous for being upset over his talking about his dating to me, I knew I needed to take a stand. Not a stand against him, but a stand for me if I want to heal from the hurt.

I sent an email that ended with:

 "Me callous? Who’s the one who said: ‘hey, I’m over you, get over it and let’s move on.’ and then to think you can discuss dating others???

Unfortunately, we’re both fooling ourselves into thinking we can maintain any sense of friendship. You let me go, and the only way to get over you is to just go. You yourself said ‘I’ve poisoned “us" and we’ll have to move on from here.’ You didn’t just poison us, you killed us!"

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